What topics to talk about in unfamiliar company. How to communicate with a stranger. Join the fun

Not everyone likes small talk about anything. In fact, such conversations perform a very useful function: they help defuse the situation, get out of an awkward situation or start communication in an unfamiliar company, as well as unobtrusively start a conversation and get to know the new interlocutor better.

To be honest, I used to think that the ability to unobtrusively start a conversation was an exclusively innate talent. With these people, after just a couple of minutes you feel as if you are talking with a good old friend. And I personally know such people - there are not so many of them in my environment.

Besides them, there are comrades who just as easily start conversations with strangers, but after a minute they become like representatives of a Canadian company trying to sell you another set of knives, dishes or a vacuum cleaner. There is a huge difference between the first and second. How to understand that you are too carried away, and how to start a conversation correctly? Here are five simple tips from Celes, author of the blog Personal Excellence.

1. Ask a question

The simplest and most standard way to start a new conversation, many people use it.

"What do you do?"

This is a great conversation starter in countries like Singapore or Hong Kong. People from there are accustomed to identifying themselves with their occupation. If you know that this person loves his job and devotes a lot of time to it, feel free to ask. You will receive a long enough and detailed answer so that the conversation does not end after a short phrase and subsequent awkward pause. The method is also well suited for conversation at various conferences, seminars and business events. Afterwards, you can ask a huge number of work questions: “how long has he been doing this business and working in this company?”, “does he like this job?”, “what prompted him to join this company?” and so on. Questions about clients, business trips, careers and funny incidents at work - the possibilities are endless.

"What brings you here?"

This question is especially useful for various events, be it a house party or a business meeting. Use the reply to continue the conversation. For example, a phrase like “I’m here to meet new people” means that this person is inclined to communicate and make new acquaintances. Perhaps you can share interesting events that are on your calendar.

"What did you do today?"

Sometimes the answer to this question is standard and uninteresting. And sometimes they can reveal fascinating details about the interlocutor.

“How was the event (event)?”

If you know where the person has been before, use that to inform the conversation. For example, one of your friends or colleagues recently returned from or attended an interesting conference. Ask him about this event.

“What are you doing this week?”

Since the question is about the future, ask it towards the end of the conversation so that you can then politely say goodbye.

Don't forget that you may be asked counter questions, so be prepared to answer them.

2. Give a compliment

For example, an option that works best in a female company: “What a beautiful dress! It fits you so well. Where did you buy it? and all questions related to accessories, hairstyle and appearance. Starting a conversation in the style of “You look great! Have you had a good rest / sat down / started playing sports?” and so on also works well with men.

Compliments regarding the work done will be pleasant to everyone, without exception. They work especially well with open and emotional people.

3. Use your surroundings as conversation starters.

Having met at a conference, say that you liked the speech of a certain speaker, indicate which moments made a pleasant impression and ask your interlocutor what he thinks about it.

Use what is happening around you to talk, thus creating a comfortable atmosphere. Once the ice has melted, you can move on to more personal topics.

Often, one question or simple request for help can lead to a long, engaging and fruitful conversation.

Why does this work? Because people like to help. It gives them a sense of importance, a feeling that they have done something useful. And the delighted reactions to the answers allow them to feel like they are in the role of a senior mentor.

These may be questions on work topics. For example, you can say that you are currently busy with new things and would like to know the person's opinion, since he is an expert in this field.

Even if you don't really need help, ask for it anyway. Advice given by another person can open up interesting perspectives that were previously unnoticed.

The most interesting thing is that a usually silent and modest person can break his standard behavior pattern and show a completely different side of himself. Some people just thrive when someone is interested in their hobbies.

5. Tell us something about yourself

What have you been up to in recent months? What new and interesting things did you learn? What goals do you want to achieve in the near future? Tell us about it.

This method is the opposite of method No. 1: you take the initiative yourself and tell some information about yourself that may be interesting.

It is better to use it if your counterpart is very shy and is unlikely to start a conversation first. Or if the person did not respond to your question or comment. Then you can start by talking about yourself first and thus showing sincerity. When a person sees your willingness to evaluate and discuss, they will be able to relax and open up in response.

How do you start a conversation with strangers?

"Haven't you ever wanted to chat about anything with a stranger?
Conversations with loved ones are not the same... There you are forced
say what is expected of you. Communicating with the first person you meet,
You can finally be yourself." (Matsuo Monroe. "Bang-bang")

“Never talk to strangers!” my grandmother taught me. “Never meet people on the street! It’s below woman’s dignity!” my mother instilled the rules of decency. In childhood, everything is much simpler. You can't talk to strangers because it's dangerous. And no one is interested in meeting a little girl on the street. I was obedient and followed all my parents’ instructions long after I grew up.

I was able to get rid of communication problems only after I received a diploma in psychology. It turned out that there are not so many Evil Gray Wolves on the city streets (except during the spring-autumn exacerbation) and, in fact, among passers-by there are more of those who are willing to carry on a conversation.

The entire list of advice comes down to two rules: act and look for common themes. But what if you have to literally break yourself to perform an action?

Without making a difference between a man and a woman, Let's try to figure out what and how to do in order to start a conversation with a stranger correctly. To do this you will need: a little knowledge and a little practical action.

Step one. Theory

Did you know that more than half of the world's population has communication difficulties? The main inhibitory factor is the fear of being misunderstood, ridiculed, the fear of remaining outside the social circle.

The struggle that happens within us when you decide to approach a stranger is nothing more than an ordinary internal conflict. Why ordinary? Because everything is fine with you! It's normal to worry about what impression you'll make on others. But lack of interest in communicating with people is a sign of mental disorder.

Why am I afraid?

If family members were wary of strangers and were afraid of intrusion into their personal space, then this method of interpersonal interaction is the only normal and correct one within this family. Simply put, they simply didn’t teach you any other way, because they couldn’t do it themselves.

Parental overprotection. The parents were overprotective, so everyone else is deceptively presented as hostile towards you.

Lack of parental love. If my closest people don’t love me, then why should everyone else love me?

The reasons may be different, but the result is the same: in interpersonal communication there is something that a person does not know how to do. Most often, to solve this problem, you need to improve your relationship with yourself.

What to do with yourself?

First, just try to imagine the worst thing that could happen if you had to start a conversation with a stranger. Develop an action and retreat plan. Ask yourself, what happens if I get embarrassed? And answer yourself: it doesn’t matter, this happens. But next time I will start the conversation differently, etc. It wouldn’t hurt anyone to “go through” such moments and play out the situation in their mind.

After getting acquainted with the theory and playing one actor, when you have mentally or together with a mirror played out the situation, the time comes for the most difficult thing - practical action. There is no point in reading an article and memorizing something if you will never use it later.

Let’s put the negative experience of the past aside for a while and try to acquire new practical skills for ourselves. To make your relationships with others a joy, decide what you really want? Meet others halfway in a relaxed and good-natured manner. Without adapting to others, but because you want it.

Step two. Practice

If you often travel by public transport, you are in luck - this is an extensive area for constant practice. From “coupons” to “the foot you stand on is mine.” Street, parties, university or museums, you can meet people and start a conversation anywhere.

A person who is open to communication can be recognized by a relaxed posture, smile, and good mood. A smile, by the way, is an ideal way to influence people. Smiling is best when you are in a good mood. If you try to explain it in simple language, sincerity and naturalness are a candy that others are easily attracted to.

Good intelligent humor is appropriate in almost any situation. But no one likes aggression and untranslatable folklore. Start the conversation with a compliment (yes, boys enjoy this too), state a fact (older people really like to use this technique), ask for advice or help. We are, after all, social creatures and love to give advice from experienced people. This way, you will make the other person feel important and useful.

The conversation can be built on questions and answers. Learn to speak in such a way that the person has the opportunity to “turn around” to answer. Not “Is this book good?”, but “What are you reading now?”

Try to adapt to your interlocutor. Watch his gestures, facial expressions, you can even yawn after him. Support the new topic of conversation that he suggests. "ABOUT! Do you love butterflies! I love them very much too. I just forgot what the one with red wings and white polka dots is called?”

Topics to start a conversation with strangers

A master of interpersonal communication, Dale Carnegie once said that every person, first of all, thinks about himself, about his problems and how he looks in the eyes of others. Take wise advice and talk about your interlocutor. I don't know if you've noticed that manicurists and hairdressers are the best conversationalists. Why? Because they talk about you and know how to listen. Know how to listen carefully, then you will not notice how you yourself will become pleasant in communication.

Don't forget that you are the initiator of the conversation. Therefore, the initiative is in your hands. There are many topics on which you can have a nice chat with a stranger: work, leisure, family, what is happening around you. Simply put, give the person what interests him.

Don't be afraid of disappointments, don't be afraid of being misunderstood or funny. Maybe you perceived something wrong or the interlocutor was not interested in you?

Your goal is to openly show that you are here and ready to communicate. New contacts and acquaintances are exciting in themselves and, perhaps, many pleasant surprises await you ahead.

Has it ever happened to you that a stranger caught your attention, but you didn’t know how to talk to him? Believe me, you are not alone. Most people have no idea how to start a conversation with a stranger, and as a result, they may miss their destiny. If you no longer want to find yourself in such awkward situations, be sure to read on!

1. Ask for help

A great way to make connections is to ask for help, because when someone helps you, a natural connection is formed. For example, in a supermarket you might ask a stranger if he knows how to tell whether a fruit is ripe or not.

2. Comment

Instead of complimenting something trivial like their eyes, point out something that shows a person's personality, like the design of their wallet or the book they're holding.

3. Look for common interests

It may seem that it is impossible to guess the interests of a stranger. But if at one moment you are in the same place, some reason brought you there. Ask about it or ask why the person chose this particular place.

4. Say hello

Smile sincerely and say, “Hi.” It sounds too simple, but people are so used to everyone always looking at their phones that a smile and a word of greeting would be a bold step.

5. Ask for an opinion

6. Make a joke

Jokes work well because they disarm and work on a biological level. If a person laughs at your joke, he feels comfortable with you.

7. Give an extraordinary compliment

Compliments break the ice between people. You can test their effect by simply complimenting passers-by on the street and looking at their reaction.

8. Discuss pop culture

Comment or joke about a pop culture topic that most people are familiar with - something light-hearted, just not politics.

9. Ask for a favor

People like to help. Even if you don't need anything, just ask, for example, to get a book from the top shelf or hold something while you get your wallet.

10. Make him your accomplice

For example, while standing in line at a bank, offer to rob this organization together.

11. Show your stupidity

Asking questions with humor is a great step. For example, in a grocery store, ask what a good apple is, and specify that it is very important to you.

12. Remember Ikea and the Queen of England

A great way to start a conversation is to say something relevant but funny. For example: “Your face is very familiar to me. Perhaps we met at Ikea or at a private dinner with the Queen of England?

13. Use self-assessment

You can play on a person’s self-esteem if he does something and does it well. For example, say that you are jealous of him because he is better at it.

14. Tell a really stupid joke

A great way to make friends is to tell a stupid joke. People are usually more receptive to such jokes because they don't require much effort to understand.

15. Check your erudition

Most people like riddles, riddles and conundrums, so such puzzles will help keep the conversation going for a long time. For example, ask to remember 3 countries whose names begin with the letter Y.

16. Express a deep thought

Try to take a philosophical approach. For example, when you see someone enjoying coffee, you can note the beauty of that moment.

17. Ask a question without a right or wrong answer.

The question “where are you from?” is just wonderful because it's a simple and natural way to start asking someone about themselves.

18. Take advantage of the situation

One of the best options for starting a conversation is to ask a question, and it is better to be guided by the situation. For example, if you're at an event, ask if the person you're talking to has heard of this speaker or author before.

19. Use a movie quote

Nobody knows more about starting a conversation than screenwriters.

20. Place a bet

Walk up to someone and tell them that you need them to resolve a dispute between you and your friend.

21. Offer help

Being helpful is a great way to get someone's attention, especially when they are struggling to get something done or seem overwhelmed with problems.

22. Show off your vulnerability.

Sometimes this is the fastest way to meet people. For example, at some holiday you can say that you don’t know a soul around. On the plane - about being afraid to fly, etc.

23. Be rough but honest

If you are looking for a romantic relationship rather than a platonic friendship, then it makes sense to be upfront about it. You will save both your time and the time of the person you want to meet.

This approach is always effective because it seems sincere. The person may blush, but will smile and thank you.

25. Greet him

If you're at a bar and looking for a reason to talk to someone, simply stand up and raise your glass in greeting. It's effective because it's polite and you're more likely to get a return gesture.

If you ask someone you're interested in for advice, you'll get a great conversation starter and a place to start getting to know each other.

27. Invite someone on a trip together

With the advent of taxi calling apps, it has become easier for people to get from one point to another. If you notice someone trying to order a taxi in the app, offer to go together, if you are on the same route, of course.

28. Plan your dream vacation

Ask someone where they would go if they were offered a free ticket to anywhere in the world.

29. Scare a little

For example, ask what the stranger's mother's maiden name was. After answering, joke that you now have the answer to one of the online security questions.

30. Repeat what he said

If you are shy, try becoming an empathetic listener. Remember what you heard when he spoke and repeat the same thing. This helps the other person feel heard and understood.

31. Join the fun

Introduce yourself and say, “You look like you're having a lot of fun, so I wanted to come over and say hello.” This is effective because you will exude confidence and charisma in the moment.

32. Find out little-known information

Ask: “What would I never guess from looking at you?” This is a good start because everyone likes to feel unique and the answer will provide a little more information than you might otherwise get.

33. Use sarcasm

A little sarcasm can help lighten the mood. For example, if someone is reading an e-book, you might say, “You must be very smart, I only understand text with emojis.”

34. Ask about a mutual friend

Mutual friends are a great conversation starter when you're at a family gathering, party, or any other event where you've been invited by the same person. Ask how your interlocutor knows him.

35. Say something nice

A happy person is more interested in the world around him. Try starting the conversation by evoking a pleasant emotion, such as noting how beautiful the night is.

36. Rate the place

This option is suitable for any situation. You can, for example, say that you like the high ceilings in the room or note the beauty of the decorative elements.

37. Speak with a smile

It is impossible to be indifferent to the person who sincerely smiles at you. This means that you need to smile with your whole face, including your eyes. Smiling is disarming and increases your level of liking and the chances of a positive conversation before you even speak.

It has happened to any of us - you are left alone with a stranger in a new company and think about what to chat about. And then the awkward pause somehow dragged on. So, how to build communication correctly and what can you talk about with a stranger? We've collected a few ideas and techniques

Choosing a topic for conversation

The most painful thing is how to choose the first question for your conversation, where to get its topic from. There are three universal topics that you can talk about with absolutely everyone.

Firstly, this is family or personal life. Secondly, this is work or study. Thirdly, health (suitable for the older generation). These three topics occupy people's minds regardless of social status, geography or amount of money.

If you want to build more personal communication, you can start discussing what brought you together. For example, you were introduced to a person while playing a board game. You can ask: “Do you like this board game?”, “What else have you played?”, “Recommend me some cool game.” If you meet at work, the questions may be: “Why this particular profession?”, “How did you start working here?”, “What do you like here?”

The second trick is to cling to some part, which you see in his home/office or even in his appearance. Example: “Oh, cool fitness bracelet. I’ve been wanting to buy one for myself for a long time, can you recommend it?”

The third trick is any free information, which a person utters casually during an exchange of formalities. For example, he apologizes for the delay and says that his gym is experiencing traffic jams. You can get hooked on the topic of fitness and discuss this issue.

The fourth technique is a compliment. In general, you need to learn to give a lot of compliments and “automatically.” And try to do it sincerely. Example of compliments: “You look great,” “Your hair is stylish,” “What an unusual scarf.” Where did you buy it?

The fifth technique is to talk about the person himself. People really like to talk about themselves. The fact is that few people are interested in us, even less often they listen to us attentively with interest. Very often, after a few leading questions, a person begins to talk about himself with all his might. And you just actively listen to him.

Conversation technique

The purpose of your conversation is to relax the interlocutor, inspire confidence and encourage free expression. And to do this you need to follow two simple rules:

Ask only open-ended questions (those that require a detailed answer).
Subsequent open questions should be asked only based on the interlocutor’s answers.

Examples of open questions:
- What do you think?.. What is it connected with?.. How do you like (that)?.. How do you feel?.. - And for what? What the hell? What the hell?.. Why?.. Why do YOU need this?..

Pay attention to those details that the interlocutor notes with intonation, facial expressions, gestures, pause or sigh. As a rule, this topic worries a person, which means that you can ask clarifying questions about it.

In addition to these techniques, it makes sense to use the technique of active listening, which will help you quickly gain the trust of your interlocutor.

Body language and gestures. Showing attention to the interlocutor at the body level: looking into the eyes, tilting in his direction, nodding, approving interjections.
Repeating the words of the interlocutor. You can paraphrase some of the interlocutor’s thoughts and repeat it in the answer.
Reflection of emotions. If a person is talking seriously about something, and you start smiling, then this can “close” him even more. Try to “mirror” emotions.
Interpretation. If you feel that the interlocutor is afraid to make a sincere statement, then you can make an assumption about why he is hiding information. This technique must be approached with caution.
Self-disclosure. It is useful to clarify why you need this or that information. Otherwise, your interest may look artificial. “It’s sometimes important for me to understand that I took the bottom line from studying to work...”, or “I also try to study from time to time...”

As a result, the interlocutor speaks 70% of the time, but he has the impression that he has met a rare, understanding person.

What can't you do?

If you don't want to ruin everything, then it's better:

Don't give advice unless it's directly asked for.
Don't suddenly change the topic of conversation.
Do not belittle the significance of your interlocutor’s experiences.
Don’t say: “I understand you...” if the situation is not close to you.
Don't finish your interlocutor's sentences.
Do not evaluate your interlocutor.

In many parts of the world (and Russia is no exception), people are raised to consider all strangers to be dangerous by default: they cannot be trusted, they can cause harm. True, most strangers are not dangerous. But it’s not easy to communicate with them without context. In any case, we should not be afraid of other people. You just need to learn to understand when to be friendly and when not to.

We attach labels that help our brain quickly form an opinion about another person. We automatically classify strangers into categories: man - woman, insider - stranger, friend - enemy, young - old. We do not perceive the other person as a person. It’s so easy and convenient to think. But this is a recipe for bias.

Why is it important for us to communicate with strangers?

We often say to our neighbors the phrases “How are you?” or "It's a beautiful day." Agree, there is no benefit from either this question or the information received. But why are we doing this?

It helps you feel part of society

Psychological research has proven that most people communicate more honestly and openly with strangers than with close friends and family. They feel that strangers understand them better.

Connecting with strangers is a special form of intimacy that gives us what we need that our friends and family cannot.

Communication with people outside of your usual circle is very important. First, it is a quick interaction that has no consequences. Let's face it, it's easy to be honest with a person you'll never see again.

Secondly, when communicating with loved ones, we always expect that they will understand us without words and guess our thoughts. With strangers you have to start from scratch: tell the whole story from the very beginning, explain who these people you are talking about, what you think about them. That's why sometimes strangers really understand us much better.

It helps to establish emotional contact with people

When communicating with strangers, you unwittingly become a participant in their emotional experiences. A casual conversation about the weather can develop into a deep interaction. It seems strange that we can establish personal contact with a stranger. But such quick interactions can create empathy, an emotional resonance in us. Sociologists call this phenomenon fleeting intimacy.

Experiment rules

It seems very simple to approach a stranger on the street and say “Hello,” but it only seems that way. Where is this appropriate? How should communication take place? What's the best way to end a conversation? This is only a small part of the issues that need to be dealt with.

The experiments that Kyo Stark advises his students to undergo will help you learn in the company of people you have never met before.

If you decide to conduct research, follow these simple rules:

Take notes: keep them in your mind, write them down in a notebook, share your observations on a blog or social media.
Respect other people and watch your behavior. If you see that a person is not inclined to communicate, do not put pressure on him or be intrusive.
Be aware of cultural differences. It is not recommended to conduct an experiment in a country that you do not know well. For example, in Denmark, people are generally not inclined to communicate with strangers: a Dane would rather go through his bus stop than ask another person to clear the way. In other countries - Egypt - it is considered impolite to ignore another person, so do not be surprised that when you ask for directions you may receive an invitation to visit.
All studies are arranged in order of increasing task complexity. Experiment No. 1 is a warm-up, and it is better to start with it, even if you are interested in another experiment.

You will need a notepad. Spend one hour in a public place where you are unlikely to run into anyone you know. This could be a park, a cafe, a train, or any other place where you can linger and watch people who are also in no hurry.

Choose a good spot where you can sit down and look at a variety of people from a relatively close distance. Log off from the Internet and turn off all devices for one hour. Part of this test is being fully present. Then look around.

Describe the situation. Where are you at? What's interesting about this place? What do people usually do here? What unusual is happening? What kind of people are around you?
Take notes. What others look like, what they wear, what they do and what they don’t, how they interact with each other. If there are too many people around you, you can choose a few of the most interesting ones.
Make up life stories of these people. Provide specific details that inspire your story. So, for example, if you are sure that one of them is rich, or homeless, or shy, or a tourist, or lives nearby - think about what brought you to such thoughts. Try to understand where your assumptions come from.

Experiment #2: Say “Hello!”

Take a walk in a crowded place: a park with paths, along the embankment, or the main street of the city. Determine for yourself the optimal distance to walk (preferably, the walk should take five to ten minutes). There should be a lot of pedestrians around you. Go slowly and start experimenting.

Your job is to say “Hello” to every person you pass by. Each of them. Don't be afraid to look them in the eyes and don't worry if someone didn't hear you or deliberately ignored you. This is just a warm-up.
The next step is not just to say hello, but also to add your observations to the greeting, which will help start a conversation. They should not be anything personal, but they should indicate social recognition. For example: “Cute dog,” “You have a great hat,” or “It’s cold today.” Such phrases help establish contact and establish social connections.

Evaluate each of these micro-interactions carefully. You may make a few people feel uncomfortable, but don't stop until you've talked to everyone. What happens when you greet people? They are smiling? Are they laughing? Confused? Do they look unusual? Do they tell their companion what happened?

If you're nervous, you can take a friend with you. But this friend must not say anything. He is only there to make you feel safe.

Experiment #3: Get lost

This experiment is a sequence of requests, each requiring more active participation. Try to go through each stage. Keep a pen and paper handy and your smartphone tucked away.

First, ask someone to show you the way.
If a person stops and gives you directions, ask them to draw a map.
If he drew you a map, ask for his phone number in case you can call him if you get lost.
If he gives you a phone number, you call him.

Surprisingly, most people easily leave their number. For many years, Kio Stark conducted this exercise in her classes, and in all that time, only one student decided to call.

Be careful when choosing your starting point and destination; you may not be able to choose a pair that will work right the first time. It shouldn't be completely simple, otherwise you won't need a map. But not too complicated for a passerby to explain to you.

Stark came up with this exercise almost 10 years ago, and it’s a little more difficult to perform in our smartphone era. You must give a believable impression that you cannot navigate without a hand-drawn map or list of directions.

Experiment #4: Ask a Question

People talk if you give them the opportunity. They say when their . In this experiment, you ask a stranger a disarmingly personal question and then simply listen. By “disarmingly personal,” Stark means an unexpectedly intimate, personal question about something really important. This should be a question that will immediately engage a person in communication.

The technique works as follows. You should bring video or audio equipment (your smartphone will do) to give the intrusion some legitimacy and some logic.

The camera is a little trick that gives you the right to ask questions, and at the same time a mediator that helps people talk more openly.

Approach a person who is not in a hurry and ask if you can ask him a question on camera. Some people will agree to answer your question, but not on camera, and that's good. After all, the point of our experiments is in conversations, not in recordings.

Start recording, ask a question. And then be silent. If you are asked to clarify a question, repeat, but do not give any sample answers. Your job is to listen. If you see that a person feels free, you can ask clarifying questions, but do not rush. Let the person fill the pause themselves.

Experiment #5: Be a stranger

This is the most risky experiment. Choose a place where you don't fit in, where you are in the minority. You must stand out, be noticeably out of place. Perhaps by race, gender, ethnicity, age, appearance.

Your goal is simply to observe what people do, how they react to your presence. You can try to attract attention to yourself and see what happens.

Of course, you don't want to put yourself in danger, so don't choose a location where you're likely to encounter open aggression. You may have a learning experience. But just in case, prepare yourself, as there is a chance that after this experiment you will not feel the best.

But this is an important experience in terms of empathy: you will feel for yourself how a person feels when they are not noticed or not wanted to be seen. No one wants you to experience this all the time, but when you experience it for yourself at least once, you will be able to look at the world differently.